The Completely Pointless Crossover
by rct
Summary: A pointless crossover. Mario, Zelda, Lord of the Rings. It might be funny to people with a warped sense of humor like me. Please review ( I don't really care if you read.)
1. The First Chapter

Disclaimer: I own absolutely NOTHING in this story! NOTHING! NOTHING IS MINE! NOTHING! Have I made myself clear? ahahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
Chapter 1 The First Chapter  
  
Mario and Luigi were sitting in their house doing nothing (as usual) when they heard the mailbox rattle.  
  
Mario: Go get the mail, Luigi.  
  
Luigi: Go to *$#^ Mario.  
  
Mario: Why don't you?  
  
Luigi: That was lame. Go get the mail, Mario.  
  
Mario got the mail.  
  
Mario: Look! A letter from Princess Peach!  
  
Disgustingly Sweet High Voice: Dear Mario, Please come to the castle. I have baked a cake for you. Love, Princess Toadstool  
-Peach  
Mario: Oh, there's a PS.  
  
D.S.H.V.: Tell Luigi -  
  
Luigi: Tell Luigi what?  
  
Mario: Oh, nothing.  
  
Luigi: Give me that!  
  
Luigi kicked Mario in the balls.  
  
D.S.H.V. (As Mario crumpled): P.s. Tell Luigi that he can come too.  
  
Luigi: Sweet!  
  
With that, Luigi walked and Mario hobbled to the sewer pipe that led to Peach's castle. Its amazing how convieniant those things are, especially to plumbers.  
  
As they crossed the moat of the castle, Luigi tried to push Mario in. Mario kicked him in the shin.Luigi smacked him upside the head. Mario tried to strangle him.Luigi tried to smash his face in.  
Just then, Peach stepped out of the castle.  
  
Peach (in her unnaturally high sweet voice): Thank you for coming!  
  
Just then, Bowser swept down and kidnapped her.  
  
Peach: Oh no!! Help me Mario!!!  
  
Luigi: How does she manage to pronounce exclamation points?  
  
Mario: Not again...  
  
Suddenly a figure in a weird green hat holding a weird-looking purple thing appeared in a burst of fairy dust.  
  
Link: That was cool. I've never played that song before.  
  
Luigi: Hey, Link, my homie!  
  
Link: Hi Luigi.(Suddenly looks distrustful) But where you find Luigi, theres always...Mario!  
  
Mario: Well! If it isn't the childish upstart in the gay hat!  
  
Link: Who're you calling childish, fatman?  
  
Mario: You, duh.  
  
Link: Who's taller, huh?  
  
Mario suddenly looked nervous.  
Luigi remembered he was supposed to beat up Mario, and pushed him in the moat.  
  
Mario:AAAAAaaaaah h h...  
  
Luigi: So, Link, seen Lord of the Rings yet?  
  
There was a bright flash of light and the Fellowship of the Ring appeared.  
  
Frodo: Did someone call?  
  
Luigi: You aren't the Lord of the Rings, stupid!  
  
Frodo: Sure I am. The movie's about me isn't it?  
  
Merry whispered something in his ear.  
  
Frodo: What?! The Lord of the Rings is the BAD GUY?!?  
  
Pippin: Dude, didn't you read the script?  
  
Frodo: It had too many big words.  
  
Mario walked up, dripping.  
  
Mario: Ha! You can't get rid of me that easily!  
  
Aragorn: Hey! Its that annoying creep who keeps writing love letters to Arwen! Let's get him!  
  
Aragorn drew his sword, Legolas loaded his bow, and Gimli got out his axe.  
  
Mario: Gotta go.  
  
As he left, Luigi leaned over and tripped him. 


	2. The Longest Chapter

Chapter 2 The Longest Chapter  
  
Luigi: Love letters to Arwen? Huh. And I always thought Mario was gay.  
  
Link: ::snigger::  
  
Boromir: Why are we here?  
  
Legolas: Some say that three goddesses created the world and the left as a relic the Tri- Hey! Aren't you supposed to be dead?  
  
Boromir: (shifts uncomfortably) Well...  
  
Merry and Pippin: Aaargh! Ghosts!  
  
Pippin: We SAW you die!  
  
Boromir: All right, all right , it was my stunt du-u-bble!(starts crying) Happy :sniff: now?  
  
Gandalf: I Gandalf the Gr- er, Gandalf the Whi- um, I, the great Gandalf, will now inspire you with good advice.  
  
Aragorn: I thought you were dead, too.  
  
Gandalf: This may be the case.  
  
Frodo: Whoa. That was deep.  
  
Just then, Bowser flew over.  
  
Peach: Did you forget about me?!!  
  
Luigi: Hey, Peach, could you mind waiting? Me and some movie stars are having a philisofolilical conversation. ::grins::  
  
Aragorn: We were?  
  
Gimli: Has anyone noticed that I haven't said anything?  
  
Link: Well, I only had four lines and a snigger.  
  
Frodo: Give me wisdom, great Gandalf. Ooooommmmmm, ooooommmmm.  
  
Gimli: Does this story have any point, plot, etc.?  
  
Everyone else: No.  
  
Peach: You forgot about me again!!::pouts::  
  
Luigi: Could someone go save her?  
  
Gimli: Since no one else cares about me, I'll do it.  
  
Gimli leapt on top of Legolas, jumped off, and went about attacking Bowser.  
  
Legolas: Ow! Those boots hurt, you know...  
  
Sam: I have no lines! Everyone hates me! They all think I'm stupid because I don't know what eavesdropping is and I've got a stupid accent!  
  
Frodo: Basically, yeah.  
  
Sam: I must become a hacker!  
  
Sam stole a laptop that was sitting in a tree and started hacking.  
  
Luigi: Do they even have laptops in Middle-earth?  
  
Aragorn: Oh, like the Mushroom Kingdom is technologically advanced?  
  
Legolas: Does anyone care that that dwarf's boots ruined my perfect blonde hair?  
  
Pippin: (sees something on the ground) Whats this? (looks closer) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!  
  
Merry: What?  
  
Pippin: Legolas's ear fell off!! AAAAHHHH!  
  
Everyone looked at Legolas.  
  
Legolas: hee... hee?  
  
Frodo: You never said you had fake ears.  
  
Legolas: You never asked.  
  
Sam fell asleep, then woke up. There were words on the computer screen.  
  
Computer Screen: Follow the white rabbit.  
  
Sam: Huh?  
  
A white rabbit jumped past. Sam followed it three steps where a person was.  
  
Person: Hello Sam.  
  
Sam: Are you Morpheus? And what is the Matrix? And why did I just ask that? Why do I care?  
  
Morpheus: Here is the answer to your questions. (holds out his hands where there is a red pill and a blue pill)  
  
Everyone else: Ooooh.  
  
Sam: Why are you watching?  
  
Link: Its either that or talk meaninglessly forever.  
  
Morpheus: IfyoutaketheredpillitllbegoodcuzyouwontbeasleepingooandifyoutakethebluepillidontcarebecuzyourestupidandidontknowwhyimheresopickoneNOW.  
  
Sam: Huh?  
  
Frodo: That was deep.  
  
Gandalf: Not as deep as I, Gandalf the Cool.  
  
Sam: (shutting his eyes) Eenie meenie minie moe. I pick this hand.  
  
Morpheus: Yay! He picked the blue pill! I don't have to do more unplugging today!!  
  
Morpheus disappeared.  
  
Gimli: I just rescued Peach.  
  
Legolas: No one cares.  
  
Luigi: Wow. He took about five minutes when it usually takes Mario a year or two.  
  
Link: I'm feeling outnumbered here. I mean, theres Luigi, Peach, and Bowser, and nine of you Lord of the Rings people, but I'm the only Legend of Zelda character here!  
  
Gimli: Ha ha.  
  
Link: Drop dead.  
  
There was a brilliant flash of light and suddenly Zelda, Saria, Malon, Ruto, the little girl who chases the Cuccoo in Hyrule Castle Town whose name was Sue, and Romani appeared.  
  
Link: Cool!  
  
Zelda: Link, where did you go? I was just about to tell you about how the goddesses created Hyrule and how you've got to save the world.  
  
Link: Uh...  
  
Malon and Romani: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Romani: Omigaa! I HAVE A TWIN!   
  
Malon: Get away from me, you freak!  
  
Saria: I thought Kokiri weren't supposed to leave the forest or they'd die... uh-oh...  
  
Saria disappeared.  
  
Link: Zelda, make her come back!  
  
Zelda: I thought you liked me more than Saria!  
  
Ruto: No way, loser! He's in love with me! He even got engaged! Hah!  
  
Zelda (putting on one of her pouty faces she gets when you tell her you don't believe her): Is that true Link?  
  
Link: Remind me again why I wanted them here.  
  
Pippin (helpfully):Because you felt outnumbered.  
  
Link: Oh.  
  
Gimli: Got enough lines yet, hatboy?  
  
Navi: HEY!  
  
Link: Oh no...  
  
Navi: Why don't we ask Saria?!  
  
Legolas: Ask Saria what?  
  
Navi: Listen! Look! Watch out! Maybe we should try the Song of Time!  
  
Link: I need a shrink...  
  
Navi: HEY! HEY! HEY!  
  
Everyone else: SHUT UP!!!  
  
Navi: Listen! Look! Hey! Watch-  
  
Zelda, Malon, Ruto, Romani, Merry,Pippin, Sam, Frodo, Gandalf, and Luigi smacked Navi at the same time as Link and Aragorn hit her with their swords, Legolas shot her with an arrow, and Gimli sliced her with an axe.  
  
Navi: ...help...  
  
Link: Yay! No more Navi!  
  
A little yellow fairy then flew in.  
  
Tatl: Hey, #!%*&!!* I'm Tatl!  
  
Link: Ohgodno... 


	3. The Completely Pointless Chapter

Chapter 3 The Completely Pointless Chapter  
  
Bowser: Why am I just hanging around here? (brightens up) I know, I'll go to Star Haven and steal the Star Rod!  
  
Bowser left.  
  
Tatl: Are you really that stupid?  
  
Link: Navi was better...  
  
Then he squashed Tatl.  
  
Tatl: ...urgh...  
  
Sue the Cuccoo girl: Hi! I just can't catch that Cuccoo!!  
  
Everyone else: No one cares.  
  
Sue: That man on the black horse was scary!  
  
Link picked her up and dropped her in the moat.  
  
Sue: AAAaa a a h h...  
  
Link(smiling): I'm pretty sure she can't swim.  
  
Peach: I'm just standing here smiling!!!  
  
Luigi dropped her in the moat.  
  
Link: Now that we've got rid of the annoying people...  
  
Romani: You forgot me, Grasshopper!! Teehee!  
  
Link: Sorry.  
  
Link dropped her in the moat.  
  
Legolas: Why are we standing around talking?  
  
Everyone else: Because there's nothing else to do.  
  
Link: Hey! Why don't we go to Hyrule?  
  
Zelda people: Yeah!  
  
Aragorn: Let's go to Rivendell!  
  
Legolas: Why do you want to go there?  
  
Aragorn: Arwen might be there!  
  
FOTR: Okay...  
  
Luigi: Lets stay right here!  
  
Everyone else: Shut up.  
  
Link: Lets take a vote. Who wants to go to Hyrule?  
  
Link, Zelda, Malon, and Ruto raised their hands.  
  
Aragorn: Who wants to go to Rivendell?  
  
Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin raised their hands.  
  
Aragorn: Well-  
  
Luigi: Wait! Who wants to stay here?  
  
Luigi raised his hand, and there was a sound of crickets chirping.  
Luigi tried to stomp them.  
  
Aragorn: Right. Well, we're going to Rivendell. 


	4. Rivendell

Chapter 4 Rivendell  
  
There was a magic burst of light and fairy dust and nothing happened.  
  
Gimli: Was that supposed to happen?  
  
Aragorn: Er...  
  
Link: Let me do it.  
  
Link played a weird and freaky song on his ocarina and they were magically tranported to...  
  
Zelda: Why are we in Termina?  
  
Link: Uh...  
  
Legolas: You people are just so incompetant. I'LL do it.  
  
Legolas said something in elvish. This is what it translates to.  
  
(Legolas: Hey! Elves! Yo! We are kind of lost so if you don't mind we'd like to get to Rivendell, yo!)  
  
Frodo: Ooooooh.  
  
Nothing happened.  
  
Legolas: Ummm...  
  
Luigi: Hey! Why don't we just take that pipe over there?  
  
Everyone else: Okay.  
  
Legolas: But I don't want to mess up my perfect hair...  
  
Everyone else: Shut up.  
  
They went down a pipe and came up in one of Rivendell's toilets.  
  
Legolas: I wonder whose room this is.  
  
Aragorn opened the door.  
  
Aragorn: Arwen! I...  
  
Arwen was making out with... Mario?!  
  
Aragorn: (crying) I... Arwen... I thought you loved me...  
  
Aragorn sat in a corner, sobbing.  
  
Arwen: I can explain!  
  
Aragorn: ::sob:: And now you've sunk to fat Nintendo characters...  
  
Luigi: Hey!  
  
Legolas: Let's get her!  
  
Gimli: Yeah!  
  
Mario: Wait just-  
  
Gimli: Let's get him instead!  
  
Legolas: Yeah!  
  
Mario: Uh... Gotta go.  
  
Legolas: Not so fast, butterbrain! Not until you tell us why you were making out with Arwen!  
  
Mario: (confused) Because she's... pretty?  
  
Gimli: Arwen! Why did you let Mario make out with you?  
  
Arwen collapsed under all the pressure.  
  
Arwen: Because... because... ITS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!  
  
Legolas: Okay... geez... touchy touchy...  
  
Aragorn: Just don't make out with Mario anymore!  
  
Arwen: I won't!   
  
Aragorn and Arwen started making out.  
  
Mario: Hey!   
  
Legolas and Luigi dropped him down a mountain.  
  
Mario: AAAAAAHHH h h h h...  
  
Aragorn and Arwen were still making out.  
  
Gimli: Maybe we should give them some privacy.  
  
Luigi: (who had been watching closely) I think their lips have fused together.  
  
Link: Come on. We're going to Hyrule 


	5. Hyrule

Chapter 5 Hyrule  
  
Link played the Prelude of Light and they were magically transported to the Temple of Time.  
  
Frodo: Ooooh.  
  
Boromir: This looks like my church...  
  
Gandalf: This looks like my house...  
  
Link: Let's go to Zelda's castle.  
  
Zelda: Excuse me? Shouldn't I invite you to my castle?  
  
Link: Whatever.  
  
Malon: I don't want to go to the castle. It's boring.  
  
Zelda: Compared to the exhilirating life on a farm?  
  
Malon: It's a ranch.  
  
Link: Let's go to Kokiri Forest.  
  
Boromir: Anyone have any idea what they're talking about?  
  
FOTR: No.  
  
Link: We're going to Kokiri Forest.  
  
They went to Kokiri Forest.  
  
Kokiri people: AAAAHHH! Aliens!  
  
Link: Hey, everybody!  
  
Kokiri people: Who's that?  
  
Saria: That's Link you dimwits.  
  
Kokiri people: Oh.  
  
Legolas: Why did we come here?  
  
Gimli: Because Link wanted to.  
  
Legolas: Remind me who Link is.  
  
Gimli: He's the one that looks like you.  
  
Legolas and Link: He does NOT look like me!  
  
Saria: You people are so stupid.  
  
Zelda: At least I'm not agonizing over a life that will never be!  
  
Everyone else: Huh?  
  
Link: Hey Saria want to come with us?  
  
Saria: Not really.  
  
Malon: Didn't you die?  
  
Saria: Ask Gandalf.  
  
Everyone else: Well, Gandalf?  
  
Gandalf: The soul is an incarnate of your life force and blah blah BLAH blahblahblah...  
  
Two hours later  
  
Gandalf: Thats why Saria isn't dead.  
  
Everyone else: Snore... huh?  
  
Link: Let's go to Death Mountain.  
  
Everyone else: Let's not.  
  
Link: How about Zora's Domain.  
  
Everyone else: No.  
  
Link: Lake Hylia?  
  
Everyone else: SHUT UP!  
  
Zelda: How about we sit around in Hyrule Field and talk?  
  
Everyone else but Link: Okay!  
  
Link: How come no one likes my ideas?  
  
Everyone else: Because they're stupid!  
  
They went and sat in Hyrule Field.  
  
Legolas: Why is the grass changing colors?  
  
Link: That means it's almost night.  
  
FOTR: Oh.  
  
A wolf howled.  
  
Link: That means it is now officially night.  
  
Frodo: Ooooh.  
  
Zelda: Why do you say ooooh so much?  
  
Frodo: Because I'm trying to ignore visions of me conquering the world.  
  
Zelda people: Oh.  
  
Ruto: Has anyone noticed that I have said only one thing this entire story?  
  
Merry: You just said Oh.  
  
Ruto: That dosen't count.  
  
Malon: Ruto, no one cares how many lines you have.  
  
Ruto: Who asked you, farm girl?  
  
Malon: (as Link and Zelda hold her back) Let me at her!  
  
Everyone else: Fight! Fight! Fight!  
  
Malon: IT'S A RANCH!  
  
Everyone else dropped Malon and Ruto into Lake Hylia.  
  
Ruto: You stupid idiots! I'm a FISH!   
  
Malon: Glug  
  
Everyone else dropped Ruto into the Fire Temple.  
  
Legolas: I hate this story.  
  
Gimli: It's stupid and pointless.  
  
Link: It sucks!  
  
Everyone: Yeah!  
  
Luigi: It will never end!  
  
Everyone: AAARRRRGHGHGHG!  
  
Boromir: Where should we go now?  
  
Link: Let's go to Termina.  
  
Everyone else: Well, there's nothing else to do.  
  
They went to Termina. 


	6. Termina

Chapter 6 Termina  
  
Boromir: Okay, we're in Termina. Now what are we going to do?  
  
Link: We could visit the ranch.  
  
Everyone else: Our lives have come to this...  
  
They went to Romani Ranch.  
  
Romani: He-  
  
Merry: Didn't you die?  
  
Romani: (glares at him) I was SAYING help!  
  
Gimli: Why?  
  
Romani: Because the aliens that come every year are going to attack tonight!  
  
Legolas: How do you know? Did they tell you?  
  
Gimli: And if they come every year, how come you aren't abducted?  
  
Romani: Uhhh...  
  
Pippin: Did they name the ranch after you?  
  
Romani: Uh... thats right they named the RANCH after ME. Right.  
  
Merry: Cool!  
  
Gandalf: I, Gandalf the Really Really Awesome, will rid you of these aliens!  
  
Romani: Okay!! And I'll call you Old Geezer because you look like one!! Now lets do archery practice so you can shoot the aliens!!  
  
Legolas: Archery practice?  
  
Gimli: Oh no...  
  
Legolas: I could teach you a thing or two about archery!  
  
Boromir: Please...  
  
Legolas: Why, at archery, I'm the best!!  
  
Frodo: argh argh no...  
  
Legolas: I could shoot those aliens blindfolded!  
  
Everyone else: Shut up!  
  
Legolas: What?  
  
Suddenly, the aliens came down and abducted the cows, Romani, and Legolas.  
  
But Legolas came back because I would get serious flames if Legolas left.  
  
Boromir: What do we do now?  
  
Merry: Eat!   
  
Pippin: I'm hungry!  
  
Everyone else: Shut up!  
  
Sam: Lets go to Mordor!  
  
Everyone else: Okay...  
  
Frodo: Why the freak do you want to go there?  
  
Sam: Oh I just kinda liked it.  
  
Everyone else: OOOOkay.......  
  
Link: Well, we might as well go.  
  
They went to Mordor. 


	7. Mordor and the Party

Chapter 7 Mordor and the Party  
  
Link: Cool!  
  
Zelda: Mount Doom looks kind of like Death Mountain.  
  
FOTR: No it dosen't!  
  
Luigi: Now what are we gonna do?  
  
Frodo: We could go to the place where that idiot decided I ws dead and stole my ring.  
  
Pippin: Which idiot?  
  
Everyone else: Thats a stupid place.  
  
Frodo: What's the point? No one is going to read this story anyway!  
  
Everyone else: Yeah.  
  
Boromir: Everyone knows it has no point...  
  
Everyone else: Yeah...  
  
Legolas: Sowhy are we standing around here?  
  
Mario: No one can defeat the great Mario!  
  
Gimli: Where did you come from?  
  
Mario: Like I said, no one can defeat me!  
  
Everyone else threw him into the fires of Mount Doom.  
  
Sauron: What are y'all doing in my mountain?  
  
Legolas: Oh, nothing.  
  
Sauron: Okay, then.  
  
Sauron went back to sleep.  
  
Luigi: Let's have a party.  
  
Everyone else: Okay!  
  
So everyone went back to the Mushroom Kingdom, found the cake that Peach had baked, and had a party.  
  
But it wasn't a very good cake.  
  
And the party sucked.  
  
But that's okay.  
  
The End. 


End file.
